Dove Men+Care recently launched a new grant program for fathers as part of their #PaternityLeavePledge campaign. The campaign is to push for change across the United States that open up the doors to fathers to take paid time off to care for a new biological or adopted child. I took the pledge, and ask you to as well.
The reason I took the pledge is my own experience with the systemic issues in the US when it comes to any kind of family leave. I share my story so other dad’s know they aren’t alone.
My #PaternityLeavePledge story
When my boys were born, I planned to take as much time off as possible. I was fortunate to get a week of paid time off, but I knew that would not be enough with twins. As soon as I learned they were to be born in December, I stopped taking leave and banked my remaining PTO. Even with that plan in place, I had to use up time for pregnancy appointments and being sick.
Fortunately for me, the PTO for an entire year was awarded as a block on Jan 1. Because of the new 3 weeks of PTO, a week of personal/sick leave, and the holidays, I was able to cobble things together to take 6.5 weeks off between mid December and the end of January.
My plan was met with tepid support.
Back to work
When I returned from my leave, I noticed a change. While I was gone, a new manager was hired. Before I went on leave, no one approached me about performance or quality issues; I even had a very good performance review after my return with an interim manager. The first meeting with the replacement a month later focused on “long-running” issues with my work.
It was true that when I returned, I was no longer willing to work long hours. I also noticed a decline in my capacity for numerous projects due to sleep deprivation and stress. Both things together likely led to a change in perception, and it wasn’t a fight I could win in my current state. Whether this was retaliation or just a natural shift due to the way the new manager operated, I never learned. I continued along while looking for a new job, and within 4 months of my return from leave, I had a job offer in hand from a company that was closer to home.
I want everyone to know that I would do it again in a heartbeat with no second thoughts. Jobs are replaceable; there is only one chance to bond with your newborn and make those memories.
Culture change
Despite an official leave policy for newly added children to a family, it doesn’t matter if the workplace culture is not supportive. In my case, the parent company was based in the UK while the arm I worked for was a US-based company which was purchased a couple years earlier. Much of that management was still in place, including at the highest levels.
While the manager who originally approved my leave was supportive, she left a couple of months before it began. Her manager also supported it, but it was clear that many of the people I worked with daily did not share her opinion. This included the leaders of my particular business unit.
This kind of culture change is part of Dove Men+Care’s pledge. It’s not enough to add leave; it has to be supported and endorsed from the top down. That’s why the #PaternityLeavePledge isn’t just for new dads; it’s for business leaders and allies to work to implement paid family leave policies and change the workplace culture around men taking paternity leave.
Why I took the #PaternityLeavePledge
I share my story so others know what dads go through to take any time off for their kids. In addition to the leave, I took time before their birth for appointments. After I returned, I took days off because they were sick. This was poorly received. I had a leader explicitly tell me about the company’s emergency care-giver program, as if it was a problem to use PTO to stay home with sick kids.
This kind of mentality has impacts across the board. If a dad is not able or willing to take time of for their kids, it falls to their partner. This means that the challenges working mothers face today are exacerbated by the cultural admonishment of dads caring for their kids.
While this is changing in some places, it’s not going fast enough. This isn’t just an issue for dads, but for families, communities, and the country.
Until this change is complete, however, dads will continue to be marginalized at work if they take some or any time off for the birth or adoption of their kids. This will contribute to further gender inequality and force women into unenviable positions of trading off work success with parenting.
Join Dove Men+Care in taking the #PaternityLeavePledge and change our culture.
Note: No payment or considerations were provided for writing or publishing this article. Opinions expressed are solely that of the author and are not the responsibility of Dove Men+Care, Dove, or Unilever.