As a dad, you’ll often find yourself describing things you take for granted: when to pee; hot vs. cold; gravity; money. Other times, you’ll have to talk about less tangible things such as love and kindness. The hardest category, however, are things that are different from when you grew up: life before the internet; why Saturday morning cartoons were better; or why the Save icon looks like it does.
And then there is teaching consent.
Ideas about consent have changed
The phrase “No means no” entered the lexicon in the 90s when I was too young to know what it meant. I was learning the phrase “Just say no” during our anti-drug education, but they didn’t seem related. While I’m sure many men understood this at the time, a common trope then was “No means yes.” This is perfectly illustrated by Meg in Disney’s Hercules (1997):
Well, you know how men are. They think “No” means “Yes” and “Get lost” means “Take me, I’m yours.”
The idea was women played hard to get; only the most persistent man would succeed. Of course, this had many problems:
- It excused creepy behavior by men who stalked, harassed, or intimidated women as courtship gone too far
- It provided justification to some for a sense of entitlement to a woman’s body
- It removed agency from women, diminishing them to a “progress bar” that just need to be filled before an achievement was unlocked
This was a concept I saw a lot on TV and in movies growing up. Those of us who had respectful fathers of our own learned what courtship should look like and when to give up. However, we now have a more expansive view of consent and what it means.
Understanding modern consent
This can leave a dad’s head spinning. You see a lot of this when our culture makes jokes about new ideas. Late-night television, sitcoms, dramas, etc. all had some form of, “Please sign here saying you consent to the kiss I’m about to attempt,” borne from some experiments with consent contracts.
Some of this comes from a fear that their children will be swept up in accusations due to ignorance or misunderstandings. Others fear they haven’t armed their kids with the knowledge to navigate the already-fraught territory of dating and relationships. However, others joke with viciousness, trying to push back on a sea-change they don’t understand or like. It could be from a simple refusal to acknowledge a problem, or realization that their own past is littered with what would now (and even then) be deemed harassment, assault, or rape.
While we can’t alleviate all the fears about our past or the futures of our children, fathers are instrumental in teaching consent to their kids.
It’s not just for sex
Consent needs to be understood as more than just a concept in dating and sex. It’s a global concept, with applications in every facet of life. Many of us teach consent everyday without knowing it. When you allow your child to reject an offer of a hug, you are teaching consent. When you encourage sharing and turn-taking, you are teaching consent. And when you offer your child a chance to make a decision, you are teaching consent.
The issue is that sex and relationships are complicated, so we naturally assume that consent is complicated. To be clear, there are complicating factors. Things like alcohol, peer-pressure, and others can certainly make consent difficult or impossible to freely give in some scenarios. But those can also exist in other situations, and with just as many lifelong or traumatic consequences.
To teach consent, we first must recognize it’s an integral part of everyday living, outside of romantic relationships and dating.
Teaching consent
This whole idea came home for me last week, as I was once again refereeing my three year olds. I took a quick trip out of the room and left them wrestling and roughhousing in the living room. Within a minute, I heard T screaming at his brother E to stop squishing him. I came into the room to see T get out from under E then hit him on the head.
It was clear that what was once okay changed for T in the middle of play. They were both happily playing a squishing game when I left. In fact, T had been asking E to squish him. There isn’t more affirmative or enthusiastic consent than excitedly asking for a specific action. But unlike skydiving, you can change your mind in the middle of play. And that’s what T did.
As I talked to E about respecting a request to stop, I realized I was talking to him about consent; specifically how what was once “yes” can become “no”. He’s three. But this is a natural part of play, and something that will come up repeatedly. So while it’s way too early to talk to him about dating, this is a lesson that I need to build on over time. And while the circumstances may change, the idea is constant:
- Consent is given, not assumed
- Consent can be revoked
- Consent cannot be compelled
- Consent cannot be forced
It’s not too late
That’s not to say those who have older kids are in trouble. You have been teaching consent since they were young, just without realizing it. If you ever told your son or daughter to stop giving another person unwanted attention, you’re on the right track. This could be the antiquated idea of boys chasing girls they “like” on the playground. Or it could be press-ganging a kid into a game they don’t want to play. It can even be simply saying no if they ask you to do something for them.
As kids get older, teaching consent becomes more specific. There are no longer general concepts, but actual situations. And the shades of gray start to appear. When it comes to dating, relationship, and sex, think back to your own experiences. Look at them through the lens of your adult understanding of consent and how you feel about them now.
Teens and young adults
Many of the things done in cars, under the bleachers, or in bedrooms when you were a teen may not have been as consensual as we remember. Many of us relied on an older idea of implicit consent, where as long as we weren’t told “no”, it was okay.
Besides something that can get you in trouble in some places, it relies on all parties having equal agency and the power and authority to put a stop to any and all activity. While that might work in a contractual business arrangement, it doesn’t work in relationships. Dynamics change, minds change, and situations change. Unhooking a bra, reaching under someone’s shirt, or even touching a butt or chest all require consent.
How that is granted is up to each person, but all participants need to know the process. Your best bet is to teach your own child about this, so they are able to articulate it to their partner.
That’s not to say implicit consent is impossible; I would bet that many of us in long-term relationships have a certain level of understanding of where those lines are. That’s the benefit of knowing someone for years. There are exceptions, but in a healthy relationship, the trust that has built up means you can know when something is consensual or not. You know when it’s time to get explicit consent, and trust your partner to do the same for you. For others implicit consent is never good enough. Part of being in a relationship is knowing and respecting this about your partner.
Use body autonomy when teaching consent
When teaching consent, you need to emphasize a child’s body is their own, and they alone decide what is best for them. Obviously, there are limitations. Especially for younger children, there are things you have to do in order to take care of them. Picking them up, holding them against their will, or even asking them to hold hands are all things that sometimes need to be done for health or safety reasons. But even for those scenarios, you should be clear about the ground rules, and be ready to offer alternatives.
By teaching kids that they control their body, we also imply that others control their own bodies. A three year old is still barely able to understand another human might have different thoughts or feelings, but a fourteen year old no longer has that excuse.
If you teach a child they own their body, you own your body, and nothing happens between the two without some kind of agreement, the transition to consent in dating and sex becomes easier to discuss. With years of practice, they should be skilled in communicating their preferences, while also being aware that they need explicit permission to carry out that preference. On top of that, it should help them communicate their own limits.
What happens when consent is violated?
Which brings us back to when T revoked his consent but E still wouldn’t stop.
He punched E.
And I didn’t blame him.
Well, I did in that he had to sit in the bed and wait for me to come talk to him while I had a real important talk with E. But I approached it as a “there’s a better way to handle this” situation.
Trust violations
The violation of trust is a tough thing to handle. It could be as simple as a promise not kept, but when it comes to telling someone “no” or “stop” repeatedly, there are limited options. As dads, we experience it everyday when out children refuse to listen. We recognize it’s their age that’s the issue, and they are not willfully hurting us. But it still hurts, even knowing that. It reduces or harms your trust in your child, and I can personally speak to the impact that has on taking your kids out in public.
It’s equally important when teaching consent to teach them how to handle violations of their body autonomy. It might be getting dragged into a fight they didn’t want, being told to do something they didn’t agree with, or being physically or mentally violated. Getting out of the situation is the first priority, preferable with just enough force to escape. But there is more to it.
They should not be silent
By building on all of this, hopefully your child (who may be an adult now) knows they can tell someone they trust and love about the violation. Again, if it’s just forgetting to let the dog out and they peed on the couch, telling someone is probably venting, but it’s still important. But if someone makes them uncomfortable or puts their life in danger, they need to know you’ll help them shout it from to rooftops, if necessary.
If there has been one thing made crystal clear by the takedown of previously untouchable men, it’s that there are probably more victims, but the aggressors used a variety of means to enforce silence. Hopefully these examples serve as indicators of a change where victims are believed. They need to know there are others like them and that justice can be served.
For those of us raising boys, it’s also important know it can happen to them too. The cultural issues surrounding men and boys in general makes it even less likely for them to report and to suffer from it for a lifetime. By letting our kids know that not only will they be listened to, but advocated for, maybe we can break the cycle of abuse.
But first, we need to treat consent as something more than late-night monologue fodder and make it an ever-present, fundamental aspect of our lives.