As a father, there are a lot of competing requests for our time. Beyond our kids, we have the regular stuff: finance; relationships; chores; employment; and others. You may also have other situations arise, like health issues, projects, and hobbies. All of these have the capacity to create stress, reduce attention, and lead to a sense of spinning or swirling. While it’s a New Age-y sounding term, mindfulness is actually an accepted practice that allows you a chance to catch up on your backlog of items. It can also assist with something else: staying present.
Being present
The concept of being present is simple: keep your mind on the present. Have you ever found yourself in a situation, and think, “After this is done, I need to…” Now, sometime this is a symptom of boredom. If you’re stuck in a long meeting at work that doesn’t have much bearing on you, your mind will easily wander to another topic. But while such a thought is harmless, this failure to remain present in other situations can cause you to miss out on something important. For fathers, you might be playing with your kids at the park, but your mind is thinking, “We’ll need to stop at the grocery store to grab milk,” or, “I wonder how my fantasy football team is doing.” Rather than remaining in the moment and focusing on your kids, the play, the experience, you are moving on to something else.
Don’t multitask
I always thought that such thinking ahead was a great skill. This kind of multitasking, where I can participate in something while making sure my ducks are in row, seemed like a wonderful trait that all people should have. This is false. Besides the reality that multitasking is a myth and never something you should willingly do, you are actually setting yourself up for failure.
To return to myself, I realized over time that during many of the biggest moments of my life (proposing to my wife, getting married, the birth of my sons, etc.), I don’t actually remember my feelings at the time. In almost all situations, there were numerous steps that led up to the moment. And being a dutiful planner, I repeatedly reassessed everything as it went, making sure that the next “step” went off without a hitch. The few moments I do recall with clarity were times where there was nothing for me to do beside be there. So even though alcohol was involved, I clearly remember our wedding’s “after-party.”
It was only later in life that my mother described this behavior in less positive terms: “It was like you were already miles down the road.”
Mindfulness can set you free
In a clinical setting, rumination is a concept of repeatedly going over the past or future and how it’s impacting you, but never focusing on solutions. But even without rising to a pathological level, ruminating on the past or future is not helpful. You can always learn from the past, and you can certainly plan for the future. What you should not do, however, is circle them repeatedly. Most of your time should be spent in the present. This is where mindfulness practice comes in. A key concept of mindfulness is focusing on how you feel, what you sense.
Generally the practice is done as meditation, in a quiet space so that you can reduce distraction. Once you have a chance to settle in, you focus on your breath; the way it feels when you inhale and the sensation of your exhale. That is your focus. You don’t control the breath, you just notice it, explore it. What this really teaches is how to concentrate, how to be present. This is not the time to think about deadlines, chores, or anything else.
If you want to see my recommendation for an app, take a look at my article Stress and the Art of Mental Fitness and head down to the DIY Mind Hacks section.
Mindfulness in life
With practice, this ability to remain in the present will stick with you in daily situations. You will learn to tune out distractions and focus on the now. From there, you will have greater control over how you engage with the past or future and do it on terms that make sense, rather than letting them creep into your day-to-day. What you do with this skill is up to you, but it will likely increase your resilience. There is evidence it might even help with relationships. I can say it will help you be more engaged with your kids, which is always something fathers should strive for.
Inspired by: Present
